Candles

Today really should just be another day. It's been your birthday in my mind hundreds of times already, I'm not really sure why the real one should be any different than the hundred or so I've already thought out in my mind.

You've already lost the name to this blog, just another sign on top of all the others that you checked out of loving me months (has it been a whole year?) ago. No one will know, but once again I've beaten everyone to the punch by wishing you happy birthday first.

But let's be clear about who I'm wishing a happy birthday to.

I am not wishing a happy birthday to the person who became so greedy and selfish that he gobbled up everything I had to give and then spit out the remnants of my heart when he got bored of chewing on them. To the person who lied to me to go on a four day hiking trip with a girl he had a crush on (I'm not fucking stupid, was it more?). Who hid our Facebook relationship status. Who broke up with me in September. Who left me in the middle of the night. Who called me a fucking bitch. Who tricked me.Who told my mother who bought him Christmas and birthday gifts for four years to shut the fuck up. The person who told ME to shut the fuck up several times. The person who said proudly that he had looked through my phone even though I was never the person that shit on our trust.The person who broke gifts I had gotten for him just to hurt me. Who invaded my space and my privacy. Who violated me. Who won't even end our relationship on Facebook. Who disrespected me so severely and didn't even have the fucking common courtesy to return the books I love that I let you borrow. Who felt it necessary to apologize to my fucking roommate but not to me.

I'm not wishing a happy birthday to the person who broke every fucking promise he ever made me. 

Like those promises were disposable. Like they meant nothing. This post isn't for that kid. Because honestly? Fuck that guy.

This is a happy birthday to the man who loved me fiercely for three years. Who got me gifts that not only showed me that he loved me, but that he understood me. To the person who introduced me to his amazing family and had me fall in love with them too. The person who rocked my mind and world in every way possible. Who made me laugh. Who loved posting photos of me. To the man who was proud of having me as his girlfriend. Who texted me silly things throughout the day to show me he loved me. Who came home to me every night and cooked me dinner. Watched movies and TV with me. Made every holiday and birthday amazingly special. Who was patient with me with CrossFit. The man who cleaned out the garage so I had a place to park. Who held me when I cried and when I just needed his arms around me. Who knew every inch of my body and loved it.

Happy birthday. I miss you (not first guy I wrote about. That guy stomped my heart apart. There's nothing where my heart should be at the moment). I hope the you I know you to be is still in there somewhere. I hope South America and Mexico give you the answers you are searching for. I hope you find inner peace and happiness. I hope you discover what you want in this life and then go out and get it. I hope you don't let anything stop you. I hope you learn to realize that you are worthy of having aspirations and dreams. That you also deserve to be happy. I hope you let go of your anger. Please do not make all of this pain be in vain. Learn from it. Move through it. Losing you is part my fault and I know that. My inability to call people out on their shit enabled you to do shitty things to me. I will never be that person again. I won't let losing you be in vain. I wish I could have been stronger, different. I will be next time. It's a very hard lesson learned. I hope your dreams and your wishes come true. Even though I am no longer a part of them, I wish that for you.

I am so hurt. And I am so angry. There are no words to express the grief that I feel. Most of the time it is rage that sweeps through me, which sometimes reaches a crescendo that makes me want to rip myself apart to find the source of that anger and pain...but tonight needed to be different, because I'm sure your birthday will be hard on both of us for different reasons. Tonight I really just needed to sit with my inner feelings. The ones that are unaffected by the anger and disappointment and absolute betrayal. The parts of me that just care for you, and are able to do so because I love you so god damn much. Real love. Love that does not seek to destroy, or hurt, or inflict pain. My love for you has always wanted to comfort, support, and understand. And for your birthday, I just really hope you find what it is you've been missing this last year. I hope you find what you've been searching for.

Goodbye Cera. Go out and seek your great perhaps. Happy birthday.
With love,
Stone

The Illusionist Part 2

As a result of all his illusions,
he had actually made himself disappear.

He did not think to mention it to the girl
for she was insignificant in his final act.

She whispered the word abracadabra
as the anger and heartache

caused her to vanish inside of herself.

Lessons

Love is a lot like the dealer in a casino.
He's seen so many patrons go bankrupt in his game
that he finds himself unmoved by individual heartache.
So after a great interaction where you've tipped Love multiple times,
 shared jokes, and built up trust,
you finally go all in and put your heart on the ultimate bet.

And when you lose it all,
Love will simply shrug his shoulders, give you an apologetic smile,
                      and wish you better luck next time.

Specks

It wasn't enough to leave my heart in pieces,
You had to stomp on the pieces until all that was left
Was dust.