Less full.

I am usually unwanted and for this I am grateful and ashamed. There are pieces of myself that have not come to fruition yet, that are waiting, tender detailed pieces that are underdeveloped and meek.
It occurred to me today how mindless human beings are. How the selfish nature of our species prevents us from truly feeling the core of someone else. How when we are mindless we take away a gentleness that should be left intact.
My heart is hurting and full and it's a contradiction that mostly leaves me not only breathless but speechless. I feel, more than the average human. My empathetic nature makes me sense and observe more than I should.

And yet I still want to be more mindful. Mindful of people's positions and feelings. I feel mindfulness could take away a lot of the pain we put each other and ourselves through.

A commitment of thought. A commitment of processing that your actions have consequences on not only yourself but others as well.

I am angry and grateful. I am broken and sane.
It's a juxtaposition that constantly leaves me feeling like I want more. Like I need to know more. Like I need to teach myself to control...
Everything.

Aisle 13

I write lists now. To keep myself concentrated on the things I actually need, versus the things I make myself believe I need. I have finally realized that I walk down the aisles of grocery stores, through racks at the department stores, through online pages, looking for something that isn't for sale.

I had the pop of an epiphany yesterday while scanning the shelves of a store for something I was trying to remind myself I needed to buy. More shampoo, more mascara, more more more. It occurred to me then that what I was trying so desperately to find was happiness, clairvoyance, peace of mind.

That I would somehow, miraculously, find it hidden behind an Herbal Essences bottle, on clearance. Special, $3.79 for three minutes of breathing easy.

I am both sympathetic and angry, I feel joyous and yet slighted. Which makes me wind up feeling completely alone and unhappy.

Sometimes I feel as though every part of me is being pulled a different direction. To be a better daughter, a better employee, a better friend, a smarter student. That regardless how fast I move or think I am still behind. That I am being left to drown in mediocracy.

That I will never be anyone, just some girl who left notes in movie cases for the next person that rents it.

This train of thought stopped me. In the middle of the aisle. Surrounded by nothing but hair care bottles that could never actually do anything for me but allow me to lather. Rinse. Repeat.

What a fabricated fairytale.
What a beautiful lie.