Here's to truth

To you.

I think I was in denial for a long time about where you went, who you are, how this unfolded. You told me yesterday how happy you are, and I want to be happy for you, but it feels like a knife in my side. All I wanted to do when we were together was make you happy, and I failed over and over and over again. I could go on about how unfair all this is, that you could treat me so badly and cheat on me, and just move on to leave me with the pieces.

But all is fair in love and war.

I may be broken, but I'm getting stronger in the weaker places. A lot of guys have wanted to be with me since we've broken up, and I just care too much to settle for any of them. I'm not just latching on to whatever comes my way. I'm done settling.

I woke up this morning, and finally realized that you're gone, and I don't love you anymore. The person I loved was taken from me by alcohol and an egotistic attitude that is cold to the touch and the heart. I don't know you.

I don't.

And I'm not going to let that shake my foundation anymore. You taught me something. You taught me to keep my eyes open. The second I see someone is unhappy, or not treating me well, it's done. It's going to be over. You taught me that people change, and it's deceptive and subtle. That people can change in really awful ways.

I'm stronger than I used to be. My stomach can take more. I laugh louder, without your drunken obscenities around to bring me down. I'm a better person when I don't have to take care of you.

I live with three people who love me unconditionally, which is how I love. They love me no matter what I do, no matter what I say, we are a team here. I love this house, I love this life.

Sometimes I wish that the old you were around, so I could lay in his arms and tell him all about my life, and we could laugh and dance together. That's when you hear from me. When I delude myself into thinking that you're still around.

And then I hear back from the new you, and it completely breaks me apart.

Not because I bear romantic feelings, but because it is a slap in the face reminder that you aren't here anymore. Some asshole is masquerading around with your face on and he does a horrible job at pretending he's you. He's harsh and cold. He bears no signs of regret or empathy. He is selfish and unkind.

He's nothing like the one I knew and loved.

In a way it's almost like losing you. I did lose you. We lost each other.
And I don't think I'll ever find you again.

So for now a note will have to do. Know that wherever you are (and maybe you're trapped deep inside that monster)
I think of you. I think of you and I remember. And I smile.
And I wish you were around to see it.

Always,
Mallory