A letter for honesty

Distractions, in the end, are probably more trouble than they are worth.
"Color my world with the chaos of trouble".

I want to be alone right now. I want to figure out exactly who I am and what I stand for in this life. I can't do that with someone by my side. I make myself a puzzle piece, I make myself mold into the nooks and curves of other people, and in the end I'm left feeling alone, unloved, and unhappy because I'm not me anymore, I'm a copy of a version of me. I don't want that anymore.

When I finally, finally find love again, (and what is this abstract concept anyway? All the love I've ever known and seen flickers and dies) I want to be with someone who is never afraid to read the pages of my life. I want to know who they want to sleep with and what movie stars get them going. I want to know what their worst fear is. I want to be in a relationship with someone who I am completely comfortable with. I want to not feel jealous because we are honest with each other. I want them to think it's cute when I flirt with men and I want to be able to laugh when they hit on women. Because we are not meant to be these monogamous creatures who suddenly turn off our sexual instincts when we settle down. And to live in a life where that is what you think is a lie. I don't want a lie. I want raw, unedited, passionate love that doesn't complete me because I'm already whole.

I want the real deal. I won't settle for less. And that's going to take a lot of effort on my part. I am insecure. I get jealous. I get confused and jumbled in a windswept currant of emotion and I want to be able to be with someone who is my best friend in every sense of the word. Who can come to me and complain about my flaws and I still know it doesn't matter because at the end of the day, they still love me for exactly who I am. I want to know who and what turns them on, I want to know every detail and root for them.

Love shouldn't be...love isn't supposed to be clean. It isn't supposed to be I want you and no one but you because that is laughably untrue.

I want to grow. And know myself back to front and know exactly where I draw the line and what I stand for. I want honesty. Unburdened, true to its core honesty. Without it we sell ourselves short.


I won't find this, for quite some time, because the partner I would want my partner to be with doesn't exist quite yet. She's a concept. But I feel it's future me. That's what I deserve.

I have my flaws and my quirks. My pro's and my con's. But at the end of the day I want happiness for everyone and that includes myself.

I want an adventure that's dirty and irrevocably satisfying.
I want this. I'll have this.
But not now.

I'm not even close yet.