I write lists now. To keep myself concentrated on the things I actually need, versus the things I make myself believe I need. I have finally realized that I walk down the aisles of grocery stores, through racks at the department stores, through online pages, looking for something that isn't for sale.
I had the pop of an epiphany yesterday while scanning the shelves of a store for something I was trying to remind myself I needed to buy. More shampoo, more mascara, more more more. It occurred to me then that what I was trying so desperately to find was happiness, clairvoyance, peace of mind.
That I would somehow, miraculously, find it hidden behind an Herbal Essences bottle, on clearance. Special, $3.79 for three minutes of breathing easy.
I am both sympathetic and angry, I feel joyous and yet slighted. Which makes me wind up feeling completely alone and unhappy.
Sometimes I feel as though every part of me is being pulled a different direction. To be a better daughter, a better employee, a better friend, a smarter student. That regardless how fast I move or think I am still behind. That I am being left to drown in mediocracy.
That I will never be anyone, just some girl who left notes in movie cases for the next person that rents it.
This train of thought stopped me. In the middle of the aisle. Surrounded by nothing but hair care bottles that could never actually do anything for me but allow me to lather. Rinse. Repeat.
What a fabricated fairytale.
What a beautiful lie.
Have Faith.
- Mal
- "Tell me a story—a small story, a true story (or as true as you can tell it)—a story from your heart, a story from your life. Tell me of a time when you lost something—your keys, your heart, your mind, your mother or father, your way in the world—or tell me about a small joy you had today. Tell me a story—and your telling it will change you—and your telling it will change me—and such stories will move us both closer to the light." -Lynn Nelson
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